Cold sea
by Katarina
Summary: My verion of episode 24 Shinji's feelings for Kaworu


Cold Sea  
  
  
  
I had no one. No one to talk to, no one whom I could truly call my friend. All gone, I'm so alone. Sunsets are wonders of nature, but this one was wasted on me. My mind too clouded with sorrow, to take it in. I can't stand this pain, I wish it would end.  
  
What was that sound? It's hummimg. Someone else is on this beach. I turned my head to see the sorce of the tune, I'd heard it before, though I couldn't quite recall it's title. There hunched over perched, on the rock, was this boy, he gave me a feeling. A feeling of calm, like everything that came into contact with this boy would be cleansed and healed of their pain.  
  
He spoke. "A song is good. I think it's the highest achievment of Lilim culture. Don't you agree, Ikari Shinji-kun? I was stunned, how did he know me, I certainly didn't know who he was. "How do you know who I am?" "Everyone knows your name, I don't mean to sound rude, but you're rather ignorant of your own position. I am like you, I am the fifth child, Nagisa Kaworu. He was the fifth child? Then I would surely get to see him again.  
  
I hated going home. Misato-san would often be so upset, and I felt useless. I didn't know what to do for her, I didn't want to be around her, so I spent most of the time isolated in my room. I colapsed on the bed, staring up as I so often did. This ceiling, no longer unfamiler but just as blank and empty.   
  
My thoughts drifted to the boy on the seashore. What was it about him? That song...... I know it! Beethoven's Ode to joy. Back before I came here, my teacher whom I stayed with had insisted that classical music helps with study. He had given me a few dubbed cassettes to bring with me to Tokyo 3. I'd have to see if Ode to joy was on there.   
  
I waited for him. Listening to that song, I'd had it after all. He appeared before me. "You weren't waiting for me, were you?" I felt my cheeks redden. "Well not waiting anyway...", I answered obviously lying. "I usually just take a shower,then go home, but I don't really feel like going home much these days." "Hmmm, I want to talk to you more, may I accompany you to the shower?" "Eh?" What? "Shower, you said you were going, or do you mind?" "No I don't mind."  
  
The bath water was warm against our skin. I looked over at him, is eyes were closed he looked so peaceful. He spoke of pain in man's heart and how man experiences life as pain, looking straight ahead the whole time, as if focused on a tiny speck only he could see.   
  
The lights suddenly went dim. "You have to go to bed now." I said, the dissapointment reflected in my voice." "With you?" "What!? Kaworu-kun, you have your own room. I think." I couldn't help but think it wouldn't be such a bad idea to share a bed. Kaworu stood up ubruptly. My face grew red once again, but I couldn't tear my eyes off him. "You are delicate like glass." "Am I?" "Yes and deserving of love. I'm saying I love you."  
  
What?! Did Kaworu just say he loved me?  
  
Kaworu gently brushed his finger tips over my cheek. I grasped the hand, and squezed it gently. Those were the kindest words anyone had ever spoken to me. I stared down in the darkness. "Kaworu, uh...would you mind if I stayed at your place, I don't mean to be rude and it's perfectly okay if you refuse it's just that I can't face going home an-" "I would love for you to come." Kaworu's voice trailed off as he went to fetch our clothes. I was so releived I wouldn't have to face Misato. This was the best I had felt in a long time.   
  
The night air felt refreshing on my face. Kaworu had said where he was staying wasn't far, so we decided to walk. I looked over at him. He looked so at peace. Hands in pockets, he held his head high as he walked. Such confidence, I wished I could be like that. I wanted to talk to him, to find out more about him, but I didn't know what to say. Hmmm. I stared the concrete beneath my feet. Everything was so quiet, most people had got as far away from here as possible. I didn't blame them, I wanted to get away too. To run. To be free from all that constrains me. But I said I wouldn't do that again. I might as well do something of importance with with this disgusting mess of a life. But still, to be free would be nice.  
  
"Shinji-chan, did you hear? This is it." Huh? I spun around, Kaworu had stopped a few paces back. So deep in thought, I had completely forgotten where I was. "Kaworu-kun! I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere." "I know. Try not to worry so much." I blushed. Kaworu always knows exactly what to say. It scared me a bit that Kaworu always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking, but at the same time I felt relieved. I feel that no one understands me, and I don't want to talk to anyone either. With Kaworu though, I really feel like he can see right through me, without me having to say a word.   
  
I followed Kaworu up to his room. He lived in an apartment building not unlike where I stayed, exept it seemed more cramped. That was okay with me, it made me feel safer. "Shinji-chan, would you like dinner? I'm afraid I don't cook so the only choice is really noodles." "I'm used to noodles. Anything else just wouldn't seem right!" Kaworu flashed me one of his smiles, and went to prepare the noodles.   
  
Kaworu's place was quite bare. Exept for a lamp and couch. I took a seat. It was Maroon in colour, and velvet in texture. Soft under my finger tips. The room smelt vaguely of cinamin. Kaworu rounded the corner. "Here you go Shinji-chan, the packet said 'chicken flavour'. We'll see how it is." Kaworu handed me the bowl. "A-Arigato," I said taking the bowl from his hands.   
  
I loved the way He called me called me Shinji-chan. I loved everything about Nagisa Kaworu. I wanted so much to tell him, to return those kind words, but all I could come out with was "you have a very nice couch here." "Thank you so much. That means alot to me." He lent in and brushed his lips against my cheek. He whispered in my ear, "thank you." my fork fell to the carpet. My cheeks burning more than ever now. He must have known what I really meant to say. I bend down to retrieve my fork.   
  
I hated mirrors. I was getting ready for bed in Kaworu's bathroom and found myself staring into a mirror, even though loath them so. "Shinji-chan, you okay in there?" I flashed back to reality. "Yes. I'm fine." How long had I been staring into that mirror. I flicked off the light and went to join Kaworu. He had put out a thin matress next to his bed. " I should sleep on floor." "No Kaworu, I'm the one staying at your house." I said climbing under the sheet. Moon light filtered though the window. The room was so quiet. I didn't want to go to sleep, because I would wake up and this day would be over. I wanted to spend more time with Kaworu, tomorrow would mean leaving, facing life again. "You want to talk, Shinji-chan?" As always Kaworu knew exactly what to say.  
  
I opened my soul to Kaworu, told him things I would never ever tell anyone else. He listed intently without interupting. Why I told him all those things I didn't know, but I was glad I did. He still didn't say anything. I turned to see if he was still awake. He was watching me with that beautiful smile on his face. I felt a bit flustered. "I think I was born just to meet you." I didn't know what to say to that, exept think that if that was true of anyone, their life was a waste. Kaworu's smile turned an expression of pain. "Shinji-chan." The pain apparent in his voice. He shifted over in the bed. "Won't you join me up here, that matress is no good for these delicate bodies." I hesitated. I had never shared a bed with someone, the thought of it made me nervous. But this was Kaworu, that feeling of peace washed over me once again. I felt I needed to be as close to Kaworu as possible.   
  
I gingerly settled myself on the bed. It was much softer than the matress, but not much larger. I could feel Kaworu's breath on my neck. It felt so happy to be close to someone like this both physically and mentally, and there was no one I'd rather be with. I turned over to face him. "Thank you. Thank you for everything. You done so much for me and I'm so grateful.." my voice was beginning to waver, I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I didn't want Kaworu to see me cry. I started to turn back around. I felt a hand on my cheek again. I looked at Kaworu, he also had tears in his eyes. He leaned closer to me, my heart beating so fast, it passed through my mind that he would grab my nose to stop my breath ticking him. I felt his hand on my cheek again, such a wonderful feeling, but nothing compared to the one that followed.  
  
Kaworu's lips on mine, kissing me. My heart felt like it was going to explode. His arms wrapped around my waist, stroking my back. It just felt so right, I pulled him in closer, I wanted him as close as possible. After awile he pulled away. I felt lost. "I'm sorry if I didn't do that properly, I've never done it before." Kaworu said, his arms still around me. I felt so embarassed. I snuck a glance back up, I gathered up all my courage. "Kaworu-kun, I love you". I felt myself being pulled in closer, "and I you, my Shinji-chan."   
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Where am I?! It took me a few seconds to realise where I was. I turned my head, Kaworu was gone. I could feel it deep inside, something was not right. I quickly dressed and made my way to the kitchen. Still no sign of him. "Kaworu where are you?!" No answer. I was due at NERV soon, all I could do was hope he'd be there. Where else could he be? I'd heard he'd only just transfered here, he doesn't know his way around. Okay. I tried to calm myself down. Everything will be fine.   
  
"Nagisa-kun! Is he here?"  
"Please prepare to pilot the Eva. There is an emergency situation."  
"What happened?."  
"Prepare yourself, there is no time to explain."  
I dressed in the plugsuit as quckly as possible, eager to find out exactly what was going on. Why wouldn't anyone tell me? Where is Kaworu?  
  
No! I won't believe it! Now I wish I didn't know. They wouldn't tell me until I was inside the Eva. They knew there'd be no way to get me in here if I knew. He's just one other person to hurt me, the same as everyone else. I won't believe it. But I feel I must face him. I have to know why.  
  
He is forcing me to damage Asuka's Eva. I'm sorry Asuka. I try to yell to Kaworu. He doesn't hear, or is he ignoring me? The Eva is delt with, he has nothing to protect him. I thrust the Eva's hand forward and hold him in my grasp. "Why Kaworu!?" Is he asking me to kill him? Even after what he's done, I just can't. But if I don't what will happen to everyone on earth? Kaworu is sacrificing himself for the sake of mankind, I love him so much. My mind is whirling, he asks for death. He doesn't care whether he lives or not. I know I said I didn't care about people, but I don't want them to suffer.   
I have to honor his wish.  
I have to put my feelings aside.  
I'm sorry Kaworu.  
I love you.  
  
The same sea shore. The sky looked even more horrible than my last vist. Misato was wth me. She said I had done the right thing, but what did she know? She didn't know how much I'd loved him. He was better than I was. I deserved to die.   
I am nothing. 


End file.
